Give Them a Break and Give Them Feedback: Building Better Relationships With Your Manager

Intro

In a world where everyone is talking about AI, I decided to write about humans. We still are, and I’m sure we will remain, at the core of our industry for many years.

So this piece is about Management!... and you might say, “Nelida, you are not a manager, you have never been one, how can you dare to talk about this topic?” Hold your horses! I want to talk about it from the Individual Contributor perspective and how, contrary to what we might think, we actually have a lot of power to shape and create wonderful relationships with our managers. 

Many engineers also complain about their managers and how difficult it is to find a good one and I have to admit I was one of those, the truth is, like any other relationship, the one with your manager is a two-way street. You can’t expect everything to magically be perfect; there’s some work you also have to put in for the relationship to work.

Yes, I’ve never been a manager, but after all these years working with many different managers, I’ve made mistakes and learned a thing or two on how to make the most of that relationship and how to find ways of working together where both feel good about the work you do. So in this article, I’d like to share those lessons, as usual, in the hope they help others.

The two core principles I like to apply are simple: Give them a break and give them feedback.

Covering the basics

Before jumping into the core principles, I would like to explore some basics that will help you approach those principles with a more open mind and with more tools.

1. Get to Know Yourself

First of all, get to know yourself. How do you expect your manager to help you if you don’t know your strengths, weaknesses, hopes and dreams? 

So do some internal work first and document it. If you feel comfortable enough, share it with your manager. The idea is that, as you work in your relationship, you can eventually share this information with them. A document like this is incredibly powerful as it can serve as a baseline for conversation for many topics such as alignment on expectations, what work they can delegate to you, learning opportunities, or more specific feedback, and even performance reviews. In this link you can find a Notion template I use so you have an idea where and how to start.

2. Learn About the Job

Read about their job, even if you are not interested in becoming a manager, understanding what the job entails will help you generate perspective and empathy for your manager. 

There are tons of books about the topic and actually reading them will also do good for you as an Engineer as there is a lot of wisdom in those books that can serve you in your own role, such as how to do time management, delegation, mentoring and giving feedback. 

Another good way to get perspective is by chatting with managers who don’t manage you. Ask them how they see their role, what’s challenging, what success looks like for them. You can bring these same questions to your own manager later, but it’s easier to start with people where there’s no high-stakes or power dynamics getting in the way of your curiosity.

Something that completely changed how I see management was learning how many managers end their day feeling like they “didn’t achieve anything”, even after nonstop meetings, expectation juggling, and unblocking others. The funny part is that many engineers feel exactly the same way about their managers! Understanding that invisible work was mind-blowing for me. Most of what makes your job easier is the quiet, behind the scenes work you never see.

3. Talk About Expectations: Theirs and Yours

Ask often what expectations your manager has for you, and, equally important, ask what expectations they have for themselves.

How do they define success in your and their role? What are they trying to improve? What are they struggling with? These are great 1:1 topics and worth revisiting regularly because priorities change, teams evolve, and friction is often a sign that expectations have drifted. Don’t shy away from that, be curious and use it as a chance to realign.

4. Don’t Waste Your 1:1s

If I could ask you one thing, would be, please, don’t waste your 1:1s! I know it is very easy to fall into the trap of seeing them as a burden or even being anxious about them but they are the main tool you have to shape the relationship with your manager.

As much as possible, try to come prepared with an agenda, many times the topics you bring will be contextual to what is currently happening in your team, but also I have been in situations where I find myself without topics to bring to the agenda, in those cases, I have a bank of questions for 1:1s with topics and ideas that are always worth exploring. Here’s the link to my personal bank of questions.

The most important point: listen and remain curious, ask more questions than you give answers or updates. Many people have said this before, “your 1:1s are not for reporting”. Use this time to ask questions, give and ask for feedback. 

When requesting feedback, don’t just say, “Do you have any feedback for me?” Use specific examples: a PR, a project, a retro you led, anything more tangible that helps them be more precise. Ask, “What could I have done differently here?” or “What did you notice about how I handled that situation?”

Since giving feedback is one of the core principles. I will touch on that later on.

5. When Your Manager Cancels (and They Will)

You might be thinking, “Well Nelida, that sounds great if only my Manager would not constantly cancel our 1:1s”

In which case I would say: Great! You just found an opportunity to help them improve!

If they cancel, try this a few times, not just once, be patient:

“Hey, I’m very sorry we had to miss our meeting. I totally understand there’s a lot on your plate, especially with <something specific you’ve noticed>. Hopefully we can make it work next time; I’ve got a few ideas and questions that might help us work better together.”

Send them your prepared agenda too with questions that could pique their curiosity and see how they respond.

If this doesn’t work, well, sometimes relationships just don’t work. And that’s okay. It takes two.

6. Remember They are Human

Finally remember your manager is just another human being like you. Be curious about their life, whenever they’re comfortable sharing of course! 

Sometimes personal context helps you understand their behavior, maybe they have a sick family member, or maybe they’re extra happy because their kid just started school. 

I firmly believe that as humans it is impossible to separate work and personal life, they will leak each other one way or another. It's part of being a whole person.

Depending on the country’s culture, the organization’s culture, and each person’s personality, some people will be more open to sharing than others, that’s ok! The main point is: If you genuinely care about your teammates, dare to ask deeper questions or at the very least show some interest at a basic level but please only do if you really care or at least try once, you might get surprised!

If that feels awkward and you don’t know what else to say besides “How are you?” This article has some ideas for openers. 

Core principles

1. Give Them a Break!

No matter where your Manager lands in your “goodness” spectrum. It’s no secret that being an Engineering Manager it’s hard, so a little empathy always goes a long way.

Managers usually have little training or structured paths to get good at their jobs, so you can actually be a key part in helping them shape their career. So be open and give them a chance. Remember that this is a relationship, not all the work should fall on their shoulders. 

If you’ve tried some of these things and it still doesn’t work, that’s ok. It’s healthy to set boundaries and, if needed, look for a different manager or team where collaboration feels better.

But please, give it a try first.

People are messy, we are a wonderful mix of traits, behaviors, experiences, feelings and thoughts, people are not good or bad, we are a spectrum, and it is part of our job as engineers to learn how to work with different personalities (even those you don’t align with).

As long as there’s respect, it is healthy to learn to interact and learn from people that you might consider very different from yourself. For me, having the opportunity to get to know, learn and grow from and with people that are very different to me (all the while getting great work done together) is one of the most fulfilling parts of my job as an engineer!

So if you are willing then you can go to the next section and keep reading on. 

2. Give Them Feedback

This one is tricky and can feel incredibly scary due to the power imbalance because you might be afraid that giving constructive feedback could negatively affect your relationship and even things like your performance reviews and career development, and it’s only natural to feel this way! And yet, in my experience, it’s worth taking the risk. When it works, your manager learns to trust you more and I have found that many really appreciate this type of feedback because they rarely get it. And also when it doesn’t, well, that’s data, time to move on.

In order to give feedback, in my experience, as in any relationship you have to establish at least some level of trust, you can’t just arrive tomorrow and tell your manager everything that you’ve been holding on your chest for the past two years, no, it doesn’t work that way and if you do, it will actually not be that helpful.

Patience

So the first thing you need is patience. Relationships require nurturing and time so take the time to work on the basics that I shared in the previous section, once you feel you have established at least some level of trust and you feel you can be a bit more vulnerable you can start sharing constructive feedback, this will depend from person to person, in some situations it might take days, you might feel super safe with your manager since day 1 and you might feel like you can start sharing in other situations you might feel ready only after a few months.

Don’t Skip Positive Feedback!

This is, if not the most important feedback that you can give to your manager, how else are they going to know they are doing a good job if you don’t tell them! 

As someone who was born and raised in Mexico, this one is particularly hard for me because saying good things to your boss can be seen as bootlicking and not genuine, just a way to try to get something in exchange. And sure, sometimes that’s true. You do you.

But if you’re genuinely trying to help your manager become a better one, don’t shy away from it. Positive feedback also builds trust.

Pick Your Battles

There’s a great article I read recently, Feedback Is Not an Attack, that made me stop and think: when I give constructive feedback, is it really because I want them to improve, or just because I want things done my way?

Ask yourself that question. Does this situation go against your values, or harm your well-being? Then speak up. If not, maybe it’s okay to let it go.

Either way, write down your thoughts. A dear friend once told me to always write before speaking. Even if you never say it, you can look back later and spot patterns that make your feedback clearer and more helpful.

How

But let’s assume that after reading you do want to give this constructive feedback, this always feels intimidating even when it is for peers and when it is for your manager it can feel impossible but if you have taken the time to cover the basics I mentioned earlier hopefully you have gathered a bit more courage to be vulnerable.

Hopefully also at this point you have asked in your 1:1s how does your manager prefer to hear feedback so that should also make things easier.

Giving feedback requires a lot of courage and giving it to your Manager takes even more, hopefully this will speak to them as a good sign that you care about them and your relationship.

When it comes to the how, there’s plenty written about feedback already, but here are a few things that always help me:

• Ask first if it’s a good moment to share.
• Respect their preferences: async, live, written, whatever works for them.Stick to facts, and if you mention how something made you feel, keep it concise. “You interrupted me three times; that made me feel invisible.” try to stay away from the stories in your head, for example, the opposite of this would be something like “You always interrupt me and don’t care about my opinion”, notice the difference.
• Stay curious. End with a question like, “How do you see the situation?” or “What did I miss?”
• Use what instead of why. Our brains are weird; the word "why" can trigger defensiveness, especially in this kind of situation so instead of saying something like “why you didn’t like my approach?” Ask instead: “What did you see in my approach that made you take another route? What did I miss?”. This way you are changing the narrative towards you as something you are looking to understand instead of blaming them for not going with your idea. As mentioned before, remain curious and open, intentionally asking these questions and hearing the response might surprise you and realize something you indeed didn’t see. 

When

It is important for you to figure out your manager’s preferences to receive feedback and honor those preferences but generally I recommend to write your feedback first so you are best prepared.

In my experience as Managers are always busy juggling multiple things, async and written feedback followed by an in person session have worked really well for me, this way they have time to process and then you can meet for clarification and have the conversation where both of you are prepared, just make sure this aligns with your Manager’s style.

The second part of this is to try not to delay the feedback too much, it is better for the other person to keep the context fresh and clarify things sooner so you also don’t keep things inside and cause them to build up grudges. 

Conclusion

Working with other humans is one of the most difficult things we have to do as Engineers, at least, in my opinion and that’s precisely why many of us chose to remain as Individual Contributors! 

But just as managers have a huge impact on our careers, we can have an impact on theirs. Help them understand you, show them how you work best, and make it easier for them to support you. Working with you is a big part of their job but remember it’s not the only one!

And maybe you’ve already noticed, many parts of this advice comes straight from books and articles about what makes a good manager, like The Manager’s Path by Camille Fourier 😉.

What’s one thing you could do this week to make your manager’s job and yours a little easier?